The Butterflies Inside Me

There's so many things I'd like to say to you, but I'll only remember when I walk away. It's too late. Sorry for not being so bold but I am only human and a young one at that.
A work in progress I am. Timid and quiet I try not to be, but whenever you come around things get different. At night I try to practice my words. How I will make you laugh or interest you further into me but in all reality, it never works that way.
I think it's just you. Some powerful force that shells me up inside. I'm still not sure if the butterflies should be going as much as they do but one thing I know for sure. It's only you that has this hold on me.
-Tiffany Li

Sorry 2013

Dear Mr. You Know Who You Are,

Hey, it’s been awhile and no I don’t mean to ruffle your feathers but I wanted to say that I am sorry. It’s been so long and things have gotten so crazy but it’s that time of year and you’ve been on my mind. I’ve been thinking for a while and now that I’ve had time, I realized what I did wrong in our breakdown. For years I’ve been blaming you, putting it all on you when I’m just as bad to blame. Even worse when I think of it.

I blamed you for things that I was wrong for doing. I asked for way more than a man can possibly give. I pulled you and strained you. Used you and abused you. Left you hanging when I was out there claiming the victim. It wasn’t fair of me and I’m sorry for that.

But please, don’t let me interrupt your life now. I know you probably have a girlfriend and I wish you all the best. I just wanted to stop in and say that I am sorry. You were never wrong. It had to take a lot of bad guys after you to knock me into the realization that you were a good man. Not perfect, we never are but good and I hope that the next girl you decide to love can appreciate all that you are.

I hope that you’re still that good guy and if not, I’m sorry for turning you sour. You were good to me, it took years and heartbreaks and life altering pain to see that. I am sorry for not seeing the gem you were in a pile of rocks.

And no, I’m not saying this just to get back together because I couldn’t appreciate you the way you should be and probably never will. I just wanted to free you from any guilt you might have had about us. I just wanted to tell you. 

I’m sorry. 

-Tiffany Li

If

 If

If I acted nicer then maybe you would come back. But you would have to call me for me to do that.

If I forgot the past and started over, you would like me better. Right?

If I let go of my standards and went along with your pace we would work. But you’re at page one and I finished the book.

If I straighten my hair and painted my nails your favorite color you would complement me.

If I tired, really really tired then just maybe you would come around to liking me again. Please.

If I stopped my heart and became the cold hard calloused person you are then possibly you would understand how hard it is to love a person like you. I don’t know how to stop.

If I wasn’t me and more like your ex then maybe I could get the same consideration you gave her. 

But

If I became her, I would be a dipsy lackluster prude that never lets the light shine from out of me.

If I wasn’t weird there wouldn’t be my charisma to appreciate, my smile to love.

If I became like you, so walled up inside, I wouldn’t be the breath of fresh air I am, bringing freedom to those all around.

If I changed my looks to suit your needs then how would all admire me? I’d just be a conformed flunky who didn’t love my own unique exquisiteness. The I am queen.

If I let go of all that I stand for then who would be there for all to look up to?

If I forgot the past then how would I know what made me? What God has used to build me up.

If I wasn’t stern then how flat would I be because they walked all over me?

If I continue to love you then what will happen to me? Who will love me? Not you I see.

-Tiffany Li

An Open Letter of Heartache

Its midnight somewhere while I sip my tea. My mind drifts away to the words I said, the ones I didn’t and the words I speak to you right now even though you are not here. 

Have you ever been here?

I did what you asked. Waited. Waited and waited ever so patiently some more but still years later and you’re not even close to being ready. But I am. 

I always have.

The love you had was promised to be what I’ve always desired. A faithful strong love where we supported one another. But really all I’ve gotten from you was a strong faithful heartache. 

Why does love have to be so difficult? So rough and gritty, I’m exhausted at the thought of you, the mention of your name.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Really I swear it shouldn’t have gotten so far.

If only I…

Didn’t let you in.

Blocked you out like my mind told me to. Fight the urges my feeble body had for you. But I was smart.

I didn’t let you in too far. But far enough that all the words that fill my mind would never be enough to say to you. 

But you won’t give me that chance. 

To hear your story, your wants and dreams. Your bads and lows and what secretly makes you smile.

I wanted to know all those things and weakly I have to admit.

I still want to. But you won’t let me. 

And that’s fine I guess because love isn’t worth it if it hurts the way you make it feel. One day you’ll know how it feels. How bad you want to be my friend, my best friend. The one who picks your moles or stirs your coffee just the right way. Who can tell your sighs from your tireds to the you need attentions. 

I truly wanted to take walks with you, share life with you. Smile and yell together. 

But you’ll see 

Because he will. He’ll talk with me at night, rub my hair. Read my stories and make fun of my accent. He will but he won’t be you. 

And that’s the sad part out of all of this.

Even when he starts to appreciate me, making me feel all special and whatnot. You’ll get it, and maybe not even all the way. And I’ll run back to you because even with the bread crumbs you throw me, I’ll follow because I’m hungry for more.

I’ve always liked carbs anyway. 

-Tiffany Li

SMH

Call me crazy but I HATE TEXTING. With a freaking passion!!!! Now I get that it can be convenient when you’re in class or a meeting where you can’t outright have a conversation or the times when all you really need to say is can you pick me up some milk. Truly I think the inventors of texting meant for it to be just that. A mode of conversation set exclusively for small thoughts and quick conversations. I do not think, however, that the inventors of texting meant for their invention to carry relationships, ideas, and whole conversations to the point that we forget what the other persons voice sounds like. 

Is it our generation that damaged the relationship? And if so I dread to see where the children of today is going to take our broken pieces of friendships. Have we become so connected that we are actually disconnected from each other?

But please, before I go on don’t get me wrong, I as a twenty three year old female have nothing against the Internet or technology of our present day. Social media and such has become a great joy of entertainment for me. I am able to appreciate our present times, the swiftness of information and the globalization of the World Wide Web to the point that I can connect with a person in Bulgaria without ever leaving my couch. But I also dwell on the simple days; the 90’s and early 2000’s where cell phones and Myspace were the hottest thing out. The telephone was a blessing and a curse from being able to speak with those miles away but slightly diminishing face to face contact. I enjoyed speaking on the phone, hours spent with my friends on three-way. The laughs and giggles we shared. It was amazing but now that the majority of my friends have fell into the rabbit hole of texting, we have since fell apart. 

There is nothing like speaking to someone directly. Hearing their laugh, listening to their change of tone as they tell a story, feeling their highs and lows as you share one of the most primal means of communication; speech. Nothing can beat that except actually seeing that person but I will pick my battles wisely and just urge you to rethink that LOL text when in all reality you’re not laughing. Replace that WYD to just simply calling and really hearing that the they are at home so bored and hearing your voice brightened up their day. 

So please if you care about someone or simply want to get to know them better take the time out to call them. You’ll gain more in a ten minute conversation than a six hour texting spree filled with LOL’s and WYA’s. Show them that you care, share your hopes and dreams, bond in ways texting can never fulfill. And whatever you do, please don’t text me, you’ll never get a reply.

-Tiffany Li

Work the Dream

"If you want to win the lottery, first you have to make the money to buy a ticket."

How many times have we thought of a brilliant idea?  How many nights have we spent dreaming of how that idea would change our lives as we know it?
We talk about it,  plan it, "what if" about it, but all we could ever do is stay in that little space.  That stagnant stage where dreams feel true and so close to reality that we can almost taste it. And we do, because whatever that dream is, it is ours and no one else's. So only, and if only,  we take the time to buy the lottery ticket, then we'll be one step closer to hitting the jackpot of our award-winning dreams.
Don't give up and never stop dreaming but don't let the dream consume you to the point where you don't wake up and live.
Who knows,  maybe with a little action your life could be better than the dream.

-Tiffany Li

New Site

Hey you! If you're looking for new material I wrote go to my new blog site tiffanysli.wordpress.com. I posted some new stuff. Let me know what you think.

What Would You Do?

What Would You Do?

What would you do if you could do anything in this world? Imagine, you were given the ability to access all of the world’s possibilities and conquer all of life’s demands to where you had unlimited power to do what you desired. What would that look like? Would you spend your time, singing your heart out, or would you spend your days lazily fishing on the river? If money wasn’t an issues and all of your grueling obligations were out of the way what would you do with your time? If you are thinking of spending your time lying in bed while watching TV then maybe you do need that. Everyone needs a break and chance to unwind, letting their brain relax and rejuvenate. But you can’t spend the rest of the days of your life watching reality shows and laying around in your undies. After about day three it should get boring. Our bodies weren’t made to be idle forever. Our brains need to actively function and our joints need moving. But once your life is freed from all that kept you unsatisfyingly busy what are you to do?

What do you think about? What do you daydream about? Yes we all think about day long massages and naps on beaches but what else do you dream about? As a child I used to constantly daydream about an alternative lifestyle. In this life I was rich and famous, given the ability to sing like Beyoncé and dance like Ciara. I was married to my celebrity crush and my alternative life was filled with mountain sized, drama filled events (hey, life isn’t fun if it doesn’t have its ups and downs). This life was exciting, fun exhilarating and definitely not realistic, really only the kind of shit you see on TV. For years that alternative life consumed me when I closed my eyes. I failed exams, shut people off and became so obsessed with this alternative life that as I grew older I feared that my life wouldn’t be normal because I was so infatuated with what I had created in my head. Near the end of my college career and after multiple failed relationships both romantic and platonic, I concluded that I had an issue. With the help of my Psychology degree, I had self-diagnosed myself with Avoidant personality disorder. My main symptoms were being standoffish towards people and BAM! The presence of living in a fantasy world. I had friends, success and love all in my head, who needed real people?

I was too afraid to actually tell someone what went on in my head in fear that they would think that I was crazier than they had already assumed so I remained silent. Even so afraid of judgement that I struggled to pray about it. I was afraid to talk to my God about something he already knew, I was messed up. But anyway, fast forward to my period of idleness. I had recently graduated, took a trip across the world and was broke. To those in college now I urge you to start looking for a job now! And change your major as well, your parents and friends are living their own life not yours. They aren’t going to be there on your deathbed saying Oh I wish I studied dance instead of Chemistry like my mom told me to do.  This is your life and not theirs, if they have their regrets and reservations about life then oh the fuck well. That’s not your problem. We are made to live life to the fullest and go whatever direction God has given us, not what your parents say. Of course you will mess up, that’s life. But at least you can say you tired it. At least you can say that you gave it your all. It’s better to hear a story about someone who fell off their bike and broke their arm over the story of you never learning how to ride a bike because you were too scared. Or that you were too broke to afford one. You see that bike lying on the ground outside? Don’t be scared give it a spin around the block. I did, literally and it was so much fun. Moral to the story was that I ended up breaking the bike but I retuned in time to return it back to its place and run away like hell. See that was a better story then me saying I saw it and wanted to ride it but was too scared. Take chances and if they seem just out of reach, then jump or cut the line to get there, that is if you really want what you dream about.

But again I digress. After college I found myself jobless, broke, and bored. Lying in bed was fun for about a week but then I got antsy. So with nothing to do and no one holding expectations to me, I decided to do what I wanted to do. My alternative lifestyle haunted me more than ever while I was continuously idle. Too afraid to tell someone about my problem and not under the impression that I was that crazy enough for professional help I decided to write this life down. Instantly the daydreaming stopped as I began to let it pour out onto my laptop. Actually seeing my ideas written down gave me such a great feeling of relief and accomplishment that when I finally did get a job of working, all I wanted to do was to write. My mind had shifted from constantly being in LaLa Land, to constantly thinking about writing this life down. I was able to separate myself from my fantasy self and live a normal life with healthy relationships. By acting on what my mind constantly dreamt about I was able to create the most meaningful thing that I had ever created to date 6/29/2015 and that was my first novel; StarPower.

What I am trying to say with my story is that you should do what you dream about. No I am not a super star singer but my main character Zena is in my book StarPower (shameless plug). I was able to turn what consumed me into something positive. Even if no one reads it (although I really hope you do), I will now be able to say that I did something I liked, I enjoyed, I took a chance on. Something that the people around me did not expect and think im crazy for. But I was able to take a chance on life and do something not surrounded my money, although I wish it to be successful but something my heart desired. What you do doesn’t have to be seen by the masses to be wonderful as long as you can say that you did what your heart desired then that’s all that mattered. God sees it all. Forget what other people think, for they will forever be in their own little bubble not doing what their heart desires. They won’t be with you on that death bed. But you will and your regrets as well if you don’t follow your heart and live to the fullest. Listen to Drake, and live your life. YOLO! (That stands for you only live once for those of you out of the loop.)

Take that chance, love that person, say what you want and give it your all. At least you can say you tried.

Blessing with all your heart desires

-Tiffany Li