The Butterflies Inside Me

There's so many things I'd like to say to you, but I'll only remember when I walk away. It's too late. Sorry for not being so bold but I am only human and a young one at that.
A work in progress I am. Timid and quiet I try not to be, but whenever you come around things get different. At night I try to practice my words. How I will make you laugh or interest you further into me but in all reality, it never works that way.
I think it's just you. Some powerful force that shells me up inside. I'm still not sure if the butterflies should be going as much as they do but one thing I know for sure. It's only you that has this hold on me.
-Tiffany Li

Sorry 2013

Dear Mr. You Know Who You Are,

Hey, it’s been awhile and no I don’t mean to ruffle your feathers but I wanted to say that I am sorry. It’s been so long and things have gotten so crazy but it’s that time of year and you’ve been on my mind. I’ve been thinking for a while and now that I’ve had time, I realized what I did wrong in our breakdown. For years I’ve been blaming you, putting it all on you when I’m just as bad to blame. Even worse when I think of it.

I blamed you for things that I was wrong for doing. I asked for way more than a man can possibly give. I pulled you and strained you. Used you and abused you. Left you hanging when I was out there claiming the victim. It wasn’t fair of me and I’m sorry for that.

But please, don’t let me interrupt your life now. I know you probably have a girlfriend and I wish you all the best. I just wanted to stop in and say that I am sorry. You were never wrong. It had to take a lot of bad guys after you to knock me into the realization that you were a good man. Not perfect, we never are but good and I hope that the next girl you decide to love can appreciate all that you are.

I hope that you’re still that good guy and if not, I’m sorry for turning you sour. You were good to me, it took years and heartbreaks and life altering pain to see that. I am sorry for not seeing the gem you were in a pile of rocks.

And no, I’m not saying this just to get back together because I couldn’t appreciate you the way you should be and probably never will. I just wanted to free you from any guilt you might have had about us. I just wanted to tell you. 

I’m sorry. 

-Tiffany Li

If

 If

If I acted nicer then maybe you would come back. But you would have to call me for me to do that.

If I forgot the past and started over, you would like me better. Right?

If I let go of my standards and went along with your pace we would work. But you’re at page one and I finished the book.

If I straighten my hair and painted my nails your favorite color you would complement me.

If I tired, really really tired then just maybe you would come around to liking me again. Please.

If I stopped my heart and became the cold hard calloused person you are then possibly you would understand how hard it is to love a person like you. I don’t know how to stop.

If I wasn’t me and more like your ex then maybe I could get the same consideration you gave her. 

But

If I became her, I would be a dipsy lackluster prude that never lets the light shine from out of me.

If I wasn’t weird there wouldn’t be my charisma to appreciate, my smile to love.

If I became like you, so walled up inside, I wouldn’t be the breath of fresh air I am, bringing freedom to those all around.

If I changed my looks to suit your needs then how would all admire me? I’d just be a conformed flunky who didn’t love my own unique exquisiteness. The I am queen.

If I let go of all that I stand for then who would be there for all to look up to?

If I forgot the past then how would I know what made me? What God has used to build me up.

If I wasn’t stern then how flat would I be because they walked all over me?

If I continue to love you then what will happen to me? Who will love me? Not you I see.

-Tiffany Li