The Butterflies Inside Me

There's so many things I'd like to say to you, but I'll only remember when I walk away. It's too late. Sorry for not being so bold but I am only human and a young one at that.
A work in progress I am. Timid and quiet I try not to be, but whenever you come around things get different. At night I try to practice my words. How I will make you laugh or interest you further into me but in all reality, it never works that way.
I think it's just you. Some powerful force that shells me up inside. I'm still not sure if the butterflies should be going as much as they do but one thing I know for sure. It's only you that has this hold on me.
-Tiffany Li

Sorry 2013

Dear Mr. You Know Who You Are,

Hey, it’s been awhile and no I don’t mean to ruffle your feathers but I wanted to say that I am sorry. It’s been so long and things have gotten so crazy but it’s that time of year and you’ve been on my mind. I’ve been thinking for a while and now that I’ve had time, I realized what I did wrong in our breakdown. For years I’ve been blaming you, putting it all on you when I’m just as bad to blame. Even worse when I think of it.

I blamed you for things that I was wrong for doing. I asked for way more than a man can possibly give. I pulled you and strained you. Used you and abused you. Left you hanging when I was out there claiming the victim. It wasn’t fair of me and I’m sorry for that.

But please, don’t let me interrupt your life now. I know you probably have a girlfriend and I wish you all the best. I just wanted to stop in and say that I am sorry. You were never wrong. It had to take a lot of bad guys after you to knock me into the realization that you were a good man. Not perfect, we never are but good and I hope that the next girl you decide to love can appreciate all that you are.

I hope that you’re still that good guy and if not, I’m sorry for turning you sour. You were good to me, it took years and heartbreaks and life altering pain to see that. I am sorry for not seeing the gem you were in a pile of rocks.

And no, I’m not saying this just to get back together because I couldn’t appreciate you the way you should be and probably never will. I just wanted to free you from any guilt you might have had about us. I just wanted to tell you. 

I’m sorry. 

-Tiffany Li

If

 If

If I acted nicer then maybe you would come back. But you would have to call me for me to do that.

If I forgot the past and started over, you would like me better. Right?

If I let go of my standards and went along with your pace we would work. But you’re at page one and I finished the book.

If I straighten my hair and painted my nails your favorite color you would complement me.

If I tired, really really tired then just maybe you would come around to liking me again. Please.

If I stopped my heart and became the cold hard calloused person you are then possibly you would understand how hard it is to love a person like you. I don’t know how to stop.

If I wasn’t me and more like your ex then maybe I could get the same consideration you gave her. 

But

If I became her, I would be a dipsy lackluster prude that never lets the light shine from out of me.

If I wasn’t weird there wouldn’t be my charisma to appreciate, my smile to love.

If I became like you, so walled up inside, I wouldn’t be the breath of fresh air I am, bringing freedom to those all around.

If I changed my looks to suit your needs then how would all admire me? I’d just be a conformed flunky who didn’t love my own unique exquisiteness. The I am queen.

If I let go of all that I stand for then who would be there for all to look up to?

If I forgot the past then how would I know what made me? What God has used to build me up.

If I wasn’t stern then how flat would I be because they walked all over me?

If I continue to love you then what will happen to me? Who will love me? Not you I see.

-Tiffany Li

An Open Letter of Heartache

Its midnight somewhere while I sip my tea. My mind drifts away to the words I said, the ones I didn’t and the words I speak to you right now even though you are not here. 

Have you ever been here?

I did what you asked. Waited. Waited and waited ever so patiently some more but still years later and you’re not even close to being ready. But I am. 

I always have.

The love you had was promised to be what I’ve always desired. A faithful strong love where we supported one another. But really all I’ve gotten from you was a strong faithful heartache. 

Why does love have to be so difficult? So rough and gritty, I’m exhausted at the thought of you, the mention of your name.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Really I swear it shouldn’t have gotten so far.

If only I…

Didn’t let you in.

Blocked you out like my mind told me to. Fight the urges my feeble body had for you. But I was smart.

I didn’t let you in too far. But far enough that all the words that fill my mind would never be enough to say to you. 

But you won’t give me that chance. 

To hear your story, your wants and dreams. Your bads and lows and what secretly makes you smile.

I wanted to know all those things and weakly I have to admit.

I still want to. But you won’t let me. 

And that’s fine I guess because love isn’t worth it if it hurts the way you make it feel. One day you’ll know how it feels. How bad you want to be my friend, my best friend. The one who picks your moles or stirs your coffee just the right way. Who can tell your sighs from your tireds to the you need attentions. 

I truly wanted to take walks with you, share life with you. Smile and yell together. 

But you’ll see 

Because he will. He’ll talk with me at night, rub my hair. Read my stories and make fun of my accent. He will but he won’t be you. 

And that’s the sad part out of all of this.

Even when he starts to appreciate me, making me feel all special and whatnot. You’ll get it, and maybe not even all the way. And I’ll run back to you because even with the bread crumbs you throw me, I’ll follow because I’m hungry for more.

I’ve always liked carbs anyway. 

-Tiffany Li