An Open Letter of Heartache

Its midnight somewhere while I sip my tea. My mind drifts away to the words I said, the ones I didn’t and the words I speak to you right now even though you are not here. 

Have you ever been here?

I did what you asked. Waited. Waited and waited ever so patiently some more but still years later and you’re not even close to being ready. But I am. 

I always have.

The love you had was promised to be what I’ve always desired. A faithful strong love where we supported one another. But really all I’ve gotten from you was a strong faithful heartache. 

Why does love have to be so difficult? So rough and gritty, I’m exhausted at the thought of you, the mention of your name.

It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Really I swear it shouldn’t have gotten so far.

If only I…

Didn’t let you in.

Blocked you out like my mind told me to. Fight the urges my feeble body had for you. But I was smart.

I didn’t let you in too far. But far enough that all the words that fill my mind would never be enough to say to you. 

But you won’t give me that chance. 

To hear your story, your wants and dreams. Your bads and lows and what secretly makes you smile.

I wanted to know all those things and weakly I have to admit.

I still want to. But you won’t let me. 

And that’s fine I guess because love isn’t worth it if it hurts the way you make it feel. One day you’ll know how it feels. How bad you want to be my friend, my best friend. The one who picks your moles or stirs your coffee just the right way. Who can tell your sighs from your tireds to the you need attentions. 

I truly wanted to take walks with you, share life with you. Smile and yell together. 

But you’ll see 

Because he will. He’ll talk with me at night, rub my hair. Read my stories and make fun of my accent. He will but he won’t be you. 

And that’s the sad part out of all of this.

Even when he starts to appreciate me, making me feel all special and whatnot. You’ll get it, and maybe not even all the way. And I’ll run back to you because even with the bread crumbs you throw me, I’ll follow because I’m hungry for more.

I’ve always liked carbs anyway. 

-Tiffany Li